Back on track

I have finally started jogging again and playing futsal and I feel great! :) Although my body and my legs hurt like hell but it's all good :) Oh and according to Azi, we are "unbang-able" people hahahaha

It's 4 a.m.

Last night I had the pleasure of hogging the Guitar Hero for a few hours when my siblings were playing futsal heheh. I think I have gotten a bit better. I think. But I still suck at it. Here’s a funny photo of one of my bros playing Guitar Hero (he got better at it and look at him showing off! Hahaha kambang).

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. It just occurred to me that I should be glad and thankful for what had happened to me. And I actually listed down the many reasons why I should be glad. Someone up there must’ve loved me so much to have saved me from one of the many shitty situations I’m facing. No longer do I have to be hurt, insulted and constantly offended by the person I love. No longer do I have to put up with an utterly unbelievable childish behavior that I can’t even stand. No longer do I have to deal with someone who acts like an asshole all the time, even in public. No longer do I carry the shame and embarrassment of being attached to an asshole. No longer do I have to worry about what the next word the person I love will utter to my siblings and friends that will offend and embarrass both them and I. No longer do I have to worry and think about how I am going to spend the rest of my life with a nine-year old kid stuck in a twenty-year old body. No longer do I have to deal with how the person I love constantly call me names such as “bitch, stupid, crazy” just to name a few. No longer do my siblings and friends have to make an effort in trying to like the person I love just for me. No longer do they have to hide what they think and how they feel about that person in order not to hurt me.

I have been spending a lot of time with my siblings lately and thank god for the three month break because I feel like I haven’t been spending a lot of time with them because I’m usually busy with my own things to do. I’m very grateful that I have them in my life and I love them to bits because I know that no matter what, I will always have them and they will always be there for me. We go through the same shit together and we will always have each other no matter what. Can you say the same about yourself? I know for a fact that we cannot change anybody unless they make an effort to change themselves. I’ve been changing for the better but you’ll never see my now. :) I suggest you do the same because I swear that if you keep up with your attitude, you will just push people away and when that happens, all you can do is put yourself in misery and have suicidal thoughts. All you can do is slit your wrist and cry out pathetically “nobody loves me… nobody cares about me… I don’t deserve to live… I want to die because nobody cares.” Hahaha thinking back on those times, they were actually quite funny. Funny because it’s pathetic. And what is up with emo kids these days? The emo scene is spreading like an airborne disease. Really, it’s very annoying. It’s a stupid phase and it’s a stupid trend. Just because you listen to those shitty emo music, you think you’re so cool? You think you rock? You think you’re so hardcore? “Oh I listen to bands like Funeral for a Friend, Finch, The Used and other emo shit so that makes me cool!” Grow up emo kids! Oh and you emo shitheads look pathetic and idiotic with your gay hairstyle. Gay gay gay. Seriously, just grow up already!

All for the right reasons

No más dolor… no más control…

I have finally come to realize that you have done the right thing. I mean, you weren’t completely right of course, the way you did it was so wrong but then again, all for the right reasons. I finally stopped to think that the tears I cried were not worth it at all. Not for this. My friends and siblings promised me that one day I’m going to get through this. I didn’t believe them at first but now, I think I’m halfway there :) I have finally stopped looking for you. I have stopped thinking about you and wondering what you are doing every single minute. I cannot deny that it does not hurt me completely anymore, there are still many questions left unanswered because you left me hanging on a thin thread. But I can say that it does not hurt me as much anymore as before. There is still pain but not as much as before and in time it will all be a distant memory :)

They say if you love something let it go, if it comes back then you’ll know it’s yours. I loved you and I let you go. I had been hoping that you’ll come back but now I hope that you don’t because now I realize that you’re not the one for me. You’re not the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. You’re not the one I want to grow old with. You’re just not the one. You consistently reminded me that and you were right for doing what you did although I'm still going to emphasize that you did it in the wrong way. You put an end to us and now I thank you for doing that because I could never be the one to end it although I have always known that somehow this will have to end eventually. You were right. What won’t kill us will make us stronger. I thought that this was killing me. Yes, it did bring me down to the deepest pit and reduced me to tears but it also made me stronger. You were right. I shouldn’t put myself in misery because we’re still young. It's not the end of the world yet. There is that special someone for me out there. Not the right time to for me to find him yet but I know he is out there somewhere.

I finally realized that I deserve better and so do you. I know I've hurt you in so many ways and I've made a lot of mistakes. What you never realize is that you did all those things to me too. But you were right. We cannot be together because of so many reasons. I hope you are happy wherever you are and you deserve to be with someone who can stand you. I thought I could and I tried to but I couldn’t. That’s the truth I had to face but you have lifted that burden off my shoulders. So thank you. It took me two whole months of pain and misery to finally come to terms with reality. I’m going to look at this in a positive light the second time around. I’m going to take this as merely another failed relationship and another lesson learned. I never thought this day would come, I never thought I could ever feel this way. I’m not completely healed yet but I know in time I will be. I will be looking forward to the day when I can finally say “no más dolor, no más control” with a smile on my face :)

Bored

Its 3 a.m. in the morning and I'm fucking bored. Shit I can't believe that I have a lot of free time now. And three more months of it. Oh joy. Really looking forward to it hahahh not! Lately been doing nothing productive. Just spend the day internet-ing, playing the guitar, learning to play new songs, playing guitar hero (I tried but I still suck at it). I haven't been doing any sports for two months now and I feel terrible. Maybe I'll start swimming, running and playing badminton soon, maybe play futsal as well with my siblings. I've always wanted to read the English translation of the Holy Quran and I thought I'd do that after the semester ends and I still haven't got around to it heheh. Procrastination. We all hate it but we still embrace it. Time is amazing because I've started to realize how strong I have become now. Time has awesome healing powers. I'm still amazed at how I don't think about this person anymore like I had been for the past few weeks. Frankly I don't give a shit anymore so you can do whatever you want, it won't hurt me that much anymore like before. I'm so bored so I ripped this off Mali's blog just to kill time. Hope she doesn't mind.

1. WHAT CURSE WORD DO YOU USE THE MOST?
> hahaha don't know where to begin...shit, fuck, motherfucker, bitch. crap, bullshit

2. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO NOW?
> Run To The Hills by Iron Maiden (great song)

3. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU TALK TO THE MOST?
> myself

4. WHAT TIME IS YOUR ALARM CLOCK SET FOR?
> right now it's not set because I wake up anytime I want

5. DO YOU WEAR FLIP FLOPS WHEN IT’S COLD?
> yeah why not?

6. WOULD YOU RATHER TAKE THE PICTURE OR BE IN THE PICTURE?
> be in the picture!

7. WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
> Silence of the lambs

9. HAS ANYONE EVER CALLED YOU LAZY?
> yes

10. DO YOU EVER TAKE MEDICATION TO HELP YOU FALL ASLEEP?
> yes....

11. WHAT CD IS CURRENTLY IN YOUR CD PLAYER?
> i think my Mastodon CD is still in there

12. DO YOU PREFER REGULAR OR CHOCOLATE MILK?
> eww i don't like milk

13. HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU A SECRET THIS WEEK?
> yes. you know who you are and you know it's safe with me :)

14. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD STARBUCKS?
> two years ago... sad, i know

15. CAN YOU WHISTLE?
> no haha although i still try to

16. DO YOU THINK PEOPLE TALK AB0UT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?
> haha that's nothing new but i don't give a shit

18. WHAT MOVIE DO YOU KNOW EVERY LINE TO?
> V for Vendetta!! i used to know every line of Home Alone 2 as well

19. DO YOU OWN ANY BAND T-SHIRTS?
> yes but only Avenged Sevenfold and Judas Priest that Wira bought me. oh and Megadeth from my bro

20. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
> hah don't think so

21. DO YOU DO YOUR OWN DISHES?
> sometimes

22. EVER CRY IN PUBLIC?
> yes.. i'm not afraid to cry

23. ARE YOU ON A DESKTOP COMPUTER OR A LAP TOP?
> laptop

24. ARE YOU CURRENTLY WANTING ANY PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS?
> i want more piercings! i want two on my lip and my eyebrow

31. WHAT’S THE WEATHER LIKE?
> shower

32. WOULD YOU EVER DATE SOMEONE COVERED IN TATTOOS?
> definitely!!! the more the better!

33. WHAT DID YOU DO BEFORE THIS?
> played Azi's guitar

34. WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU SLEPT ON THE COUCH?
> don't remember

35. HOW MANY HOURS OF SLEEP DO YOU NEED TO FUNCTION?
> 6-7 hours

37. ARE Y0UR DAYS FULL AND FAST PACED?
> they used to be but not anymore after the semester ended

38. DO YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE CALORIES IN THE FOOD YOU EAT?
> hah no i can eat whatever i want and still not get fat. it sucks actually

39. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
> when appropriate heheh

40. H0W OLD WILL YOU BE TURNING ON YOUR NEXT BIRTHDAY?
> 21

41. ARE YOU PICKY ABOUT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR?
> yes but i try not to be when with friends and siblings

43. DO YOU GET ALONG BETTER WITH THE SAME SEX OR THE OPPOSITE SEX?
> the opposite sex ;)

44. BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND?
> no

45. DO YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE, OR BACK?
> side

47. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
> on my arm from a hot iron

48. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
> someone who will remain unnamed

49. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
> Chris Amott but i can only dream...sigh

50. HOW’S THE SURVEY?
> it sucks

and someone sitting next to me just farted. Damn.

Social Stratification in Candyland?

Note: Candyland is a pseudonym I use to prevent myself from being utterly blunt. See the irony there? No, you don't.

I remember the first time studying Social Stratification in Sociology when I was doing my A’Levels. With all its concepts and theories I began to realise how familiar I am with this kind of system. Then I started to reflect upon myself and tried to put some jumbled-up pieces together. I realized how this stratification system mirrors how Candyland* works. Candyland* has its own social structure, its own norms and values governing its social system. It has its own society with the people living under its roof. There exists a social system in Candyland* that is greatly flawed, like many other social systems. The system may be unjust to some people but that is just how society works. Society has to be stratified in order for it to function. Boundaries must be drawn, division of classes is necessary. At least in Candyland* it is. “The weak ones are there to justify the strong.” There are divisions of classes ranging from top to bottom: the Upper Class, the Middle Class, the Working Class and the Under Class. This is how it works in Candyland*:

The Upper Class: the most important class in the society, very high social status- ascribed status, employers, the central unit of social control.

The Middle Class: employees in the higher rank with high-paid salary, have some sort of social status- achieved status, considered as important part of the society.

The Working Class: employees in the lower rank (workers), social status not defined.

The Underclass: unemployed, no social status, bums, considered as low-lifes of society, very deviant.

Social mobility is possible, there exists a social ladder where an individual can work his/her way up the social ladder. Meritocracy ensures that social mobility is possible through individual achievement. Individual achievement in Candyland* is only defined by the acts of ass-kissing, hypocrisy and betrayal. Other kinds of ‘achievement’ that other people would perceive them to be are denied and not taken into account. Ass-kissing is highly encouraged in this society in order to live a normal lifestyle. Those who break norms and values would be immediately cast out and categorized in the Underclass, depending on the level of deviance committed. When once labeled ‘deviant’, it would take about at least a few years for the individual to be able to climb up the social ladder again. The Underclass remains the central unit of deviance and anything negative, everything that is “bad” and “wrong” in society. Consistently stereotyped, labeled and cast out, the Underclass are not welcome anywhere near the Upper Class.

To conclude, Candyland* is just as flawed as any other society but there are obviously certain levels that vary from one extreme to another. It’s such a shame that division is a necessity for society to function properly. There will always be the good and bad. Peanut-butter and jelly. Although the really bad ones are always perceived as the good ones and vice-versa. Such a shame. Oh well. That is life. I’m bored. And still pissed off.

F**k it all!!

What the fuck do you fucking want from us all? You’ve made our lives a living hell and now you’re fucking back from your fucking hell to taunt us again. You returned with a smile on your face but even from that first day you didn’t fool me. I knew you had a hidden agenda. Old habits never die, BITCH! What the fuck is wrong with you?? You enjoy seeing other people fall. You laugh at every fucked-up step that we take. You try so hard to succeed at every angle in creating your fucked-up lies. You think you’re always right. Well guess what? You’re full of SHIT!! Open your fucking eyes, BITCH! Stop doing what you’re doing. Please just stop all your bullshit. Please don’t put us through this again like you did. Just stop it stop it stop it!! Stop treating people like shit just so you could feel better! Does it make you feel better that you make other people who are much better than you feel like shit? You went through hell and you want us to go through what you went through. You want us all to fall with you. BITCH! Selfish bitch. Stop molding people into something that you were because it doesn’t work. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage on a number of people? Don’t you ever fucking stop to think how you’ve scarred our childhood for life? Well you don’t because of your fucking ego and your fucking pride that you stand by. Fuck you! You think it’s all funny.

Oh and please, do not bitch about other people just because they aren't as fucked up as you are. Sadar diri deh! You need only look in the mirror if you’re looking for a hypocrite, a betrayer, a fucking liar. Stop judging others and stop pointing fingers. Just stop trying to be so perfect because nobody’s perfect. I’m sure you knew that already so just stop fucking being in denial and start facing reality.

I’ve learned a lot of things through this experience. Throughout my entire life, going through the different shit that you give us. This never-ending joyride… ahhh….such blasphemy. I’ve finally learned how to be patient and have faith. I strongly believe in karma and I will stand by this belief until the day I die. No matter how tempted I am to pursue revenge I have tried so hard to resist this pursuit of absolute and bloody revenge that have been swimming around in my head. I have come to realize that if this pursuit is carried out, it will only give me satisfaction for a short period of time. But if I leave it to the hands of fate, the karma you will get will be tenfold, I promise you this. You may not get it now but one day eventually. Happiness is never ever-lasting bitch. I promise you this.

"Fuck it all!! Fuck this world!! Fuck everything that you stand for! Don't belong, don't exist. Don't give a shit, Don't you ever judge me!!" Surfacing- Slipknot

Yes, I swear profusely and regurgitate my bloody thoughts. You can hate me all you want or call me a bad person. I don’t give a shit! That’s how fucking pissed I am!

Hot!!

CHRIS AMOTT guitarist of Arch Enemy is soooooo HOT!!!!!! I love guys with long hair! Sigh...if only I can get a guy like him...if only..... *dreams away*

Metal!! \m/

Metal is the best music genre ever!! Haha that is from my point of view and many other metal heads out there but most of you might not agree with me and that's ok. Watching the documentary "Metal- A Headbanger's Journey" for the umpteenth time has inspired me to write this. Metal isn’t like any other music which is why I love it so much. Anthropologist/Metal head Sam Dunn asked the question: Why has heavy metal been consistently stereotyped, dismissed and condemned? He concluded that “Metal confronts what we’d rather ignore, it celebrates what we often deny, it indulges in what we fear most and that’s why metal will always be a culture of outsiders.”

I wrote about Metal music in one of my essays last semester. It has something to do with how the mass media has affected our lives and I chose to write about music but I think I went too far talking about metal hahah. Anyway, I want to share with you an extract of the essay:

“ Personal identity and personal relationships are perhaps the most significant reasons of my resort to heavy metal music. One of the things I love about heavy metal music is that the lyrics are so honest, meaningful and inspiring. Most of the metal musicians write their own lyrics which are based on their social, domestic and childhood problems and they send very strong messages to troubled people just like them who listen to their songs. Their messages are very powerful and inspiring in that they tell us not to give up hope or not to commit suicide but to face the world with a strong attitude and to ignore the ones who hurt us. This is very personal to me because it has made me the person I am now- ignorant to those who have hurt me and emotionally strong. I also relate to the lyrics and the musicians because we go through very rough times in life and they have proven that by being strong and not taking in the abuse by other people, we are survivors of a cruel world. People who listen to metal music religiously and take it personally have been called “metal heads” and I am proud of being one. There is a stereotype on metal heads that they are usually very troubled people, in that they have been abused socially or domestically and also mentally disturbed. I found that this is partly true and is a universal feature of metal heads around the world. I can relate to these people because we belong to a distinctive “metal community” and we listen to metal music for the same reasons. We listen to metal music to get away from the harsh reality and to enjoy ourselves to the music we find refreshing. However, some would not listen to metal for the same reasons, I am not being oblivious to those who listen to metal but are not troubled in the same way.

To me, metal music is my salvation, my sanctuary, my inspiration and my best friend because it has always been there for me through the hard times in life and that it has repeatedly reminded me not to give up hope and to be strong. Yes, metal music is often labeled ‘angry music’ and metal heads express their anger through music. It is something that we can always resort to. There are however some who interpret the music wrongly and end up committing crimes and doing very bad things. This is absolutely what metal is not about. Violence, chaos, anger and anarchy portrayed by metal music is just something for us to resort to through the music. I also listen to metal music for entertainment because I love the heavy sounds of the double-pedal drums, the heavy bass sounds and the powerful riffs of the electric guitar. Metal musicians have inspired me to pick up a guitar and learn to play it with passion. I find the music very invigorating and dynamic and this is what I like to indulge myself in for relaxation, entertainment and satisfaction. There has however been awareness on “Satanic Black Metal” music which I also listen to but this is not because I am a Satanist but because I enjoy listening to the music. We do not have to believe in the lyrics but frankly, I find the lyrics very interesting. Satanic black metal bands that I listen to such as Dimmu Borgir and Gorgoroth just to name a few, have extremely blasphemous lyrics but it does not mean that I am against Christianity or any religion but it is just because I enjoy the music and that I find this whole Satanic scene very interesting. “

There. That is my explanation to why I love metal music so much and I just think that people need to hear it from a metal head’s point of view. If you have your own opinions, that’s ok because we are entitled to our own opinions and we are all different. We may not like the same music but that does not mean that we have to draw boundaries and not live together in peace. I think that is a load of bullshit because people who think that way are narrow-minded and utterly stupid. Differences define uniqueness. Like what Mali said, peanut-butter cannot go with peanut-butter…I forgot what it was exactly but it has something to do with peanut-butter shit hahaha. My point is that it does not mean that when two people do not share the same interest, they cannot bind. That is bullshit bullshit bullshit and I promise you that one day you will realize this. Crap, what the fuck am I going on to now? Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading this, whoever you are. ¡Qué vivo el Metal! \m/

and still i want...

My Curse by Killswitch Engage

I watched you walk away. Hopeless, with nothing to say
I strain my eyes. Hoping to see you again

This is my curse (the longing)
This is my curse (time)
This is my curse (the yearning)
This is my curse

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me? Will you be there?

Your silence haunts me
But still I hunger for you

This is my curse (the wanting)
This is my curse (time)
This is my curse (the needing)
This is my curse

There is love burning to find you
Will you wait for me?

AND STILL I WANT... AND STILL I ACHE...
BUT STILL I WAIT... TO SEE YOU AGAIN

Dying, inside, these walls
And I see your face in these tears
And I see your face...

there is love...burning to find you


Still Beats Your Name by Killswitch Engage

Who knows how long I've been lost in the dark?
Followed closely by the footsteps of my failures.
What can I do to alter my perception of the way and the truth?

Let this burden drift away.

Who knows how long the void has swallowed me?
I only wish for nothing more than peace to find me.
How can this be? We've come so far
To let the weight destroy our grand design

Let this burden drift away.
My pledge remains faithful to you.

AND MY HEART STILL BEATS YOUR NAME...

Drowning once again.
Will I live another day?
To reach the surface
Let this burden drift away

Drowning, Choking, Fading, Life
Is this the moment where I leave the blackness?
Is this the moment of my rebirth?


The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage

Seek me, call me... I'll be waiting

This distance, this dissolution
I cling to memories while falling
Sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day
Waking the misery of being without you
Surrender, I give in
Another moment is another eternity

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

You know me, you know me all too well
My only desire - to bridge our division
In sorrow I speak your name
And my voice mirrors my torment
Am I breathing?
My strength fails me
Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace
(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart
(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting
(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

Dolor del alma. El corazon roto

I wrote this when I was supposed to be revising for my exam. I just had to put it in words. It was so hard to concentrate due to certain fucked-up reasons but ALHAMDULILLAH my exams were ok. None of the papers were difficult. Some were actually quite easy so I'm gonna be really pissed if I didn't get any As. Anyway, I wrote this in Spanish and I did this a week before my Spanish exam to practice my Spanish heheh

Dolor del alma. El corazon roto

¿cómo podrías sólo dejar todo esto?
todas las memorias que teníamos, todos los tiempos buenos que compartimos
eras el que quién comenzó este
nunca pensé que vas a ser el que para terminarlo
ahora que te he dado finalmente mi corazón
te he dado todo que tengo y todo lo que soy
me apartaste como no me necesitas más
no quieres dirigirse a mí porque estas feliz ahora sin mí
mientras grito aquí histéricamente el no entendimiento lo que continúa

ay este dolor
cada dia tengo que despertar hasta este dolor de saber que has ido
tengo que volverme cada minuto de mi vida que sabe que te he perdido para siempre

yo sé que he hecho algunos errores en mi vida
yo sé que te he maltratado de algunos modos
pero soy sólo el humano. hago errores. soy el imperfecto
ahora que mis imperfecciones han brillado por ti
lo siento tanto no soy tan perfecto como quieres que yo sea
he jodido algunas cosas que he hecho
y lamento que yo no pudiera tomar a todos ellos espalda
pero la realidad consiste en que tengo que afrontar todas las cosas que he hecho
todas las consecuencias extremas de mis errores
yo sé que este me hará más fuerte algún día
pero yo sólo siéntase tan desesperado ahora mismo

todo que he dejado es lleno de la nada
siento tan vacío dentro. sin ti.hueco e inútil.
mi corazón sigue hundiendo después del día me abandonaste
no puedo continuar como este. esto me conduce insano
soy frenético con todos estos pensamientos estúpidos que avanzan lentamente en mi mente
el pensado de ti siendo feliz con ella
el dolor, el tormento, por favor deje de burlarse de mí con tu felicidad

lo siento no puedo ser lo que quieres que yo sea
no soy un hipócrita a mí y nunca seré
espero que un día vengas para realizar lo que me haces
el desgarramiento de mí, arrancando mi corazón y rasgándolo en pedazos
mi corazón te di sólo. lo has roto y sólo puedes repararlo
quizás el tiempo podría repararlo despacio pero no puedo esperar
es demasiado doloroso para afrontar esta anticipación
yo quiero que me vuelvas pero no puedo obligarte a amarme atrás
por favor abras tu corazón y ver que realmente soy la que para ti
ya que no puedo vivir sin ti
ya que has tomado una parte grande de mí
ya que soy todavía dentro de ti
y seré hasta el final del tiempo

Crave

something inside me, an unbearable feeling
that cuts deep into my veins
the hunger for attention strikes over and over again
the craving, never satisfied
endless dreaming of liberation
forever the feeling of failure rooted deeply into my soul

as i watch the days go by
the nights unfolding into yet another nightmare
when will this pain stop?
i am made to believe that there is no hope
only fear that trepidates my every being
never belonging anywhere as i am cast out
at every turn i take to seek refuge in

as i crave for your attention
i am only left to regurgitate this pain of negligence
the horror of the sight of your monstrosity
haunting me in my dreams
this pain, unbearable, manufacturing fear

as i look around at people indulging in happiness
the trickle of this pain inside me
piercing my guts leaving them hollow
i bleed profusely leaving crimson stains on your doorstep
as i am dragged out of your life and consiousness
lying on the pool of blood i am made empty
as i wish for justice for your crimes

my cravings, they have turned bitter like the fruits of hell
my cravings, they are only filled with vengeance and hate
my cravings, they will soon be satisfied

23-10-2007

You trust people too easily
Taking in their words blindly without doubts
Accepting their lies and assumptions
And you create new theories based on their shit

I just can't understand how you can believe their bullshit
Your own children cast out, starving with neglect
Then you spit at us with your poisonous words and venemous saliva
We are left voiceless and stricken with fear

That is how we grew up
Dealing with all the torture and abuse
We live in fear of you
The whole world seems splintered into sharp tiny pieces of broken glass

I wish i can kill this trepidation that dominates our lives
Twenty years i have waited and still living in fear
The agitation is eating our lives away little by little
Oh this slow pain of death, kill me now!!

Anticipating gravely for my deliverance
The sweet sight of the grimreaper's cloak
Oh take me away from this sorrow and misery
And leave me to rest in peace under the earth
And below the benign purple sky

HATE

everybody's going somewhere. everybody's moving. except me. you've held me down.
you crushed all my hopes and dreams and will continue to persevere until i go insane.
you deprive me of what i want, what i need.
im sick of you and all your acolytes.
you search for every way to destroy me just to satisfy your sadism.
you took every living part of me, you leave me with the ashes of your crime to breathe in.
you planted hate in my system and it grows bigger and bigger as each day passes.
hate is all i know. hate is all i have. hate is the air i breathe. hate is all i think.
you taught me to hate life. life for me means nothing anymore.
there is nothing to live for. there is nothing left in this world for me.
you have robbed every aspect of my life in this world and left my glass empty.
emptiness is all there is. nothingness prevails my world.
you filled my glass with too much nothingness and emptiness that they overflow and create chaos.
everyday i hope for things to get better. everyday i pray for things to change.
the only change is ur different strategies for decadence.
hate is all i have now. hate comforts me.
hate is what i eat, drink, breathe.hate is what i live for.
hate crawls through my system triggering violent thoughts.
do u know what i wish for? i wish for chaos.
i wish that one day will come for me to torture you.
and i wish to finally see how you will feel as i skin you alive and
cut your body parts one by one.you will scream.
you will beg for mercy. how bloody pathetic!
i will laugh while you beg me to stop and ask for mercy.
i will have no mercy nor remorse.
i will feel nothing for you have robbed me of any feelings that are long since been dead.
hate is all i know. for the hatred you have injected in me will flourish.
my hate for you and for all the pigs in this world, especially your acolytes, will prosper
into something bigger than you can ever imagine and will create a monstrous figure unimaginable.i am me. i am hate. i am monstrous. i am your creation.

My Works

¡Hola! I moved my posts from my multiply blog to here. This is my first blog post. I'm not going to narrate my life story or every single thing that I do but I'm going to post my works, my writings, and anything I find inspirational that I think is worth posting. Or maybe crappy stuff if I'm bored. I found these in my old archives and I'd like to share them with you. This first one is called 'Masterpiece' and is a short fiction I wrote for 'The Voice' Newsletter in Maktab Duli in 2005. It was inspired by what I was going through. The second one is a poem I wrote for the poetry club in Maktab Duli. Sadly though, we never got to publish our anthology of collected poems as was planned.

MASTERPIECE

Trapped in a luxurious cell, the young girl contemplates suicide. Where is her salvation? She cries out for her tourniquet with silent screams filling out the hollow room. To her, nothing mattered more than a pinch of love and affection. Constantly moving but never going anywhere like a clock upon the wall, she needed affection to quench her thirsty heart. Her body lives but there is nothing inside, hollow and empty- soulless.

Driven by the most unimaginable mental torture and hatred, she starts to lose herself by slashing her wrist with a blunt kitchen knife. Tormented and torn apart, her weak bloody hands run back and forth, clutching her hair strand by strand. Weeping in perplexity’s arms, she is ready to relinquish the collected pain that has been trapped in a stinging bottle.

She couldn’t understand this metaphoric world of pain and delusion. What about the content life that other people possessed? What about it? What about the promises you made? You regarded her as an appalling burden, labeled her an ungrateful wretch when the only thing she needed she never possessed. She couldn’t take anymore of your resentment. Can’t you see? Her life is now fragmented into subtle pieces, and has always been since she landed on your hands. An incarcerated introvert, anti-social wrecked individual does not confide her problems nor discuss her miserable life to any breathing person. She has been anticipating deliverance for too long now. There is no more patience left in her.

Years passed by, endless hours of tears flooding stopped. A dusty skeleton figure sits on the ground, legs crossed in a dusty abandoned room in a deserted mansion. A once ethereal figure, the corpse is covered in a dirty, all crimson, once pearl-white dress, stained with your sadism. It is clear to see that she had deceased tragically without anybody’s consent. Long has she been forgotten, she will never forget every single thing you did to her. Although you may not ever see her again now, she will always be haunting you in your dreams for eternity. Now you act tragically in an inept manner locked up in an institution. You have had a taste of your own medicine. That is your own work of art. That is your masterpiece.


Once Again

Doomed with solitude, possessing a heart without a home
Cast out and neglected in a world so cold
When suddenly, you stepped into my life
With nothing but the best of intentions
And gave me bliss I have never felt
Maybe I didn't know what it was
But everything seemed content, it was mutual
The way you held me, drifted me into a serene storm
The tranquility you brought, so solid, so tangible, so palpable
You whispered to my ear, "I love you"
I elevated into a numb state of oblivion
Reviving my childishness, my heart danced to a joyous tune
The whole world was at my feet
Then suddenly the bad omen came to light
The image of you splintered into tears
Tearing my heart into pieces
You have prevailed through what is me, robbed my integrity
Tears poured endlessly, crimson regret flooded
Hence drawn into a state of perplexity
In this labyrinth you put me through
You have fabricated your lies, leaving me stifled
Thus now came the inference that maybe
I am never able to perceive perpetual bliss
And once again doomed with solitude
Once again possessing a heart without a home
Once again in a world so cold


Wrong

You were wrong to admit me. I was wrong to fall for you.
Forfeit the chance. Shatter my dreams.
Exploit me and my pledge to you.
Blinded by strong forces. Fooled by conspiracy.
Incarcerated by your selfishness.
Dumbfounded by your lies.
Liberate me!!
Take me to a place where I can find my own piece of mind.
Please take me away!!
Ship me off this hellhole.
I am trapped, deprived of bliss.
Where is my salvation?
My flaws start to shine right through you.
Stifle my optimism. Shatter my confidence.
Prevail for your triumph in killing the only one who cares.
Hate me, loath me, despise me.
I don't fucking care anymore!
Your pride and arrogance shine on you as your light.
Your greed defines your fucked-up self-centeredness.
Stab my back with your knives.
Cut my heart into tiny pieces.
Pierce my soul and fill it up with pain.
Cause that's what you're capable of.